Your Guide to Avoiding Antifa Thugs on November 4th

by Boobie

November 4, 2017 will go down as one of the most important days in the history of Freedom. Antifa thugs have planned a day of violence against everday God-fearing white Americans, promising to behead people just for having traditional American values. While they are fueled by hate and have been driven insane by the debt they chose as grown, responsible adults to take on in service of getting college degrees in stupid things like Enlgish and Racial Gender, we, the righteous, are fueled by the power bestowed upon us by the Almighty and the genetic superiority that comes from our fair skin. That said, God does not allow anything to come to us easily; He will test us, and though through faith and morality we will come through unscathed, it will be hard.

The Antifa menace has been preparing for this for some time, swapping tips for how best to train their bodies, the best place in each city to get the best Bane or Captain USSR super-serum, and which rap songs to listen to to get into the most violent and thuggish mindset. While many of our fellow white Christians have been preparing their defenses — booby-trapping their homes like the conservative hero Kevin McAllister, stockpiling the finest AR15s and SCAR-27s and Glock Magnums they can find, and, most importantly, praying and studying scripture, many others, innocent and naïve to the dangers that loom around every corner, have not. That’s why I’ve compiled a brief survival guide to help you make it through the day, protecting your nuclear man-wife-children family, and make sure that we are the victors who write the history of the Fourth of November:

Blackface Is A Must

Every fall our white brothers and sisters come under attack for engaging in the rich and time-honored tradition of realistically dressing up like black people using dark-brown or soot-black makeup. While that has wrongly scared many good people afraid of the PC hoard away from their ancestral makeup, tomorrow it is absolutely essential. On a normal day, a white person risks death or grievous injury for besmirching their creamy skin with the color of original sin, but since Antifa want to kill all white people anyway, the safest thing you can do is pretend to be black. In addition to blackface, I would recommend spinning a basketball on your finger and studying up on your jive talk. In a pinch, you could also pretend to be a radicalized white Muslim like you always hear about and scream the violent call to war “Allahu Akbar!” over and over again

Arm Your Children

Antifa want to wipe out all white Christians, and they will show no mercy to women or children. Now, while you and your opposite-sex husband or wife are surely trained in the art of the firearm, your children may not be. No matter. While Antifa may have chemically induced superhuman strength, they don’t believe in guns, because the constitution says everyone can have them and they hate the constitution. That means that as long as your children has both a primary weapon, a sidearm, a primary grenade and an effect grenade, they have the upper hand. Gun safety is incredibly important, of course, but they will likely have absorbed those lessons from you by osmosis. Since we will all be in survival mode tomorrow, anyone out and about will be Antifa (even those stealing the valor of our men and women in blue). My recommendation: tell your children to shoot anyone who approaches the front door, and thought you’ll be scouting long-range targets from your attic window, allow at least one to make it to that door unscathed. Your child will get their first kill defending American Freedom, and the bonding moment that will provide will invaluable in the battles to come.

Have A Holy Man Stand Sentry

While most Antifa are lost causes, it’s possible that some of them are merely possessed by demons hungry for the means of production. While it’s always a good thing to have a priest or a reverend in your home, you’ll feel silly if you find that the homies who have come to your door are demonically possessed and could have been repelled by an exorcism. Note that this option will only come into play if the woman of the house doesn’t have the stomach for quote-unquote “unnecessary violence,” and is not as important as the fourth and final rule.

Beware of Falling Pianos

For those like me who will be boldly going out in active pre-self-defense and hunting down Antifa maniacs before they can hunt you, I say, Godspeed, but keep your head on a swivel. Your blackface should keep you safe, but while most of the unwashed mass of gangstas is dumb and brainwashed, some community leaders will be surprisingly clever. A particular favorite of theirs is to drop grand-pianos on the heads of Caucasian Christians. Often, this is not lethal, but the trauma of sticking a head through lid of the piano, a flesh-colored bump rising well above hair-level, stars circling the cranium, and white-and-black piano keys replacing the teeth, has been known to cause not only Islam but masturbation and homosexuality. This is even more dastardly than a machete-beheading, because in this case not only have the our white Christian brethren lost an ally, Antifa have gained one. I will be turning sideways so that I can keep my eyes ahead of me while my peripheral visions can detect any heavy instruments that may be swaying the wind above me.