Whom Among Us Hasn’t Had A Group of People with Limited Rights Making Little to Nothing for Their Labor Act as Our Servants

The misogynistic bros of the left will get mad about absolutely anything, so long as Hillary Clinton’s name is attached to it. Whether it’s running a horribly planned campaign in which she managed to lose the presidency to Donald Trump (Bernie’s fault, by the way) or helping Middle Eastern despots commit war crimes, Queen Hill can’t do anything right in their eyes, because they are literally the worst, most toxic people on the internet. Today, the extremely vocal extreme minority outdid themselves, causing a frankly immature and embarrassing uproar over a teensy-weensy part of My Beautiful Abuela Hillary’s 2006 book:

First of all: this is from 2006, and it’s about the 1980s! That’s ancient history! Who even remembers that long ago. Bernie was only 1000 years old back then, hahahahaha. Second of all, Jesus basically said in the Bible, “let he who is without sin crack the first whip.” If you had the opportunity to live in a large beautiful house and be tended to by people — OK, fine, mostly black, but I don’t actually see color, so to be honest you’re the racist one — with very limited rights who made so little money as to be basically negligible, you would do it. I know because I would do it, and anyone who claims to be more morally righteous than me is a grandstanding liar who’s only saying it to get laid.

Seriously, if Hillary Clinton and *voice starts modulating very annoyingly* HeR vaGIna weren’t involved in this “““scandal,””” no one would care. There has never in the history of the world be a thread that got well over 30,000 retweets on Twitter about this very issue in any other governors mansions, which proves that everyone coming out of the woodwork is just doing it because they’re *voice starts fucking doing it again* aFrAiD oF sOmEOnE wiTh a vaGIna BeINg SuCcEsSfUL.

If you read the passage without your god damn mansplaining Bernie Sanders-glasses on, you’ll notice that the one they call Sistar Hillary over in Africa (Africa!) was actually doing her cheap serflike labor a favor, deigning to allow them to keep working for her, even coming to view some of them as people. The fact that if any of them broke the rules they were punished harshly isn’t analogous to slavery at all, because as prisoners, these people had given up their full rights as citizens. Prisoners deserve, at best, 60% of the rights of non-prisoners; they’ve made their choice, after all. Even if Hillary had slaves, if these were the slaves, they would have deserved it, so it would have actually had a positive net impact on society, and been good for her karma and thus our collective karma. But they weren’t at all like slaves, just to be clear.

Saying that Hillary owned slaves just because she lived in a mansion in what used to be a confederate state and had unfree servants who she could punish harshly at will and without consequence doing work for basically nothing is a ridiculous stretch. If anything, the Clintons having this unusual but definitely not at all bad or historically fraught experience turned out to be a good thing: when The Best And Real Timeline First Husband Bill Clinton was president in 1994, he supported and helped enact the Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act, which gave tens — if not hundreds — of thousands of people (mostly black, whatever, you’re the piece of shit here not me) the opportunity to meet and be viewed as people by kindly members of the ruling class, a chance they never would have had if they hadn’t gone to prison.

The saddest thing about this whole unnecessary fracas is that, in this short excerpt that everyone is going crazy over for absolutely no reason at all, we see Hillary at her best: she includes the nugget that murderers are actually more docile indentured servants than their non-violent counterparts, proving that even people who have chosen through solely their own free will and not ever a combination of bad circumstance, worse luck and poor judgment to give up 2/5 of their humanity have the capacity to surprise you in a positive way.

Look. We all would have slaves if we could. Hillary didn’t though, technically, so please drop your penis-having privileged smugness and find a way to get Hillary elected in 2020 so that god damn Jew Bernie can stop having influence.

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