Class Is Boring

Aug 15, 2017

4 min read

We Should Have Replaced The Twin Towers With Statues of the Hijackers

On Monday evening, a long conflict over the continued existence of statues of Confederate soldiers came to a head when a group of protestors tore down a monument to “The Boys Who Wore The Gray” outside the old county courthouse in Durham, NC. This followed a rally in Charlottesville, VA, this past weekend where groups marched in support or opposition of such monuments that erupted into deadly violence.

Asked Monday if she was embarrassed by this part of American history, former Secretary of State Condeleezza Rice answered:

“I am a firm believer in ‘keep your history before you.’ So I don’t actually want to rename things that were named for slave owners. I want us to have to look at those names, and realize what they did, and be able to tell our kids what they did and for them to have a sense of their own history.”

This is absolutely correct. It’s important to remember and honor our history, even the worst parts. That’s why we should have replaced the Twin Towers with statues of the hijackers who flew airplanes into them on September 11, 2001.

Much like rebel soldiers, the al-Quaeda terrorists have very honorable qualities: in fact, the two groups shared many of them. Both groups were brave, for example, willing to kill thousands and lay down their lives for the cause they believed in (slavery and anti-American sentiment). Both were made up of people of strong faith (traditional Southern Protestantism and a bastardized, violent misreading of Islam) as well. Plus, neither group were American, perhaps the strongest and most important precedent for honoring foreigners fighting wars against America in America.

Learning from history is very important; learning from the worst of history so as not to repeat those mistakes is especially paramount. By having large, beautiful, flattering statues of Confederate soldiers and leaders, and by naming schools and public buildings after them, we’re able to say to then our children: “Do you see that gorgeous bronze or marble monument, a symbol of honor and power, to men who fought for the enslavement of black people based on the color of their skin? The fact that that is still standing means that what they did was bad. Why do you look so confused? I shouldn’t even have to explain this, it’s very obvious.”

This is why, rather than replacing the World Trade Center buildings with new buildings, we should have built 30 story high statues of the 9/11 attackers, all tall, well-muscled, and handsome, with big old dick bulges. There should be a matching one for Osama bin Laden in Langley, VA, home of the Pentagon, the second site attacked on September 11. There should be schools and courthouses in western Pennsylvania named after other al-Quaeda leaders, too. The best way to teach people not to be violent religious extremists, after all, is to make it seem like we’re honoring them, then, when asked why we’re honoring terrorists who attacked America, talk about how we’re actually not, and are instead learning from history. If people don’t ask? Whatever, they’ll probably figure it out. It’s not like there still are tons of Confederate flags not only in the American south, but in places that didn’t fight for the Confederacy. Even if there were, they would be good, because they’d allow us the chance to better ourselves and each other.

The learning opportunities provided by building appealingly crafted statues to the men who took control of passenger planes and flew them into what they viewed as a symbol of American sin make reminding the people effected by the worst day in modern American history of their trauma every day a small price to pay. Similarly, reminding black Americans of their ancestors’ generations-long rape, murder, and subjugation and the centuries-long repercussions that echo to this day is a unquestionably worth the benefit of white children learning that racism is something they shouldn’t do by paying loving homage to Confederate fighters.

History should be embraced, not erased. In an ideal world, every rapist and serial killer would get a statue, every domestic abuser an elementary school, every corrupt businessman a courthouse, so we can gaze upon the awe-inspiring, publicly financed odes to their awful crimes and say: wow, that’s cool, but also never again. Until that beautiful day comes, why not start with the 9/11 hijackers? Who better to learn from than them?