Vikings Fans Devastated Following Eagles Super Bowl Victory
by Boobie
“The skies turned black but for 666, the mark of the beast, emblazoned in flame among the clouds,” recalled Jurgen van Hedwig, a Minnesota Vikings fan who, amid tearful protests from his family, made the trip from St. Paul to Philadelphia to watch his team take on the Eagles in the NFC Championship game. “People were running wild in the streets, drenched in blood, theirs or someone else’s it was impossible to say. A black man who was built like a linebacker attacked me with bayoneted nunchakus on the walk from the parking lots into the stadium. It was the closest thing to Iraq I’ve seen since since I got back.”
Van Hedwig has never been to Iraq — his claim to have “seen” the country is based on a flight he took to Australia that gave him a view of the country from several thousand miles in the air — and based on video evidence, his statement about the black man built like a linebacker seems to stem from a young boy playing a snare drum for tips in the parking lot. Regardless of the facts, though, van Hedwig had a new rooting interest: “The Eagles are a team of thugs who disrespect the troops by kneeling during the national anthem. The Patriots have a wide receiver core who, outside of Brandin Cooks, play the right way without hip-hop style showboating. Tom Brady picking a zone offense apart is as beautiful to me as walking through a city and being disgusted by the homeless people, then getting home and celebrating my new tax cut.”
Van Hedwig isn’t alone. Minneapolis had a unique buzz leading up to the Super Bowl, with the citizenry operating a sort of wartime resistance to visiting Eagles fans.
“The people are disgusting, subhuman animals,” grunted new Patriots supporter Ed Erikson, who spent the week camped out in a ghillie suit next to a plastic potted plant in the Mall of America with a sniper rifle, attempting to neutralize hostile Philadelphians as they innocently rode roller coasters. “Killing their children is a mercy to our great nation, like destroying a tumor before it turns cancerous. It’s just like ‘Nam.” The 46 year old agreed to this interview “on the record,” technically, though it seemed to me that he was mixing up the meanings of “on” and “off” the record.
“With the Vikings’ tortured history, it’s just agonizing to adopt the greatest team in football history and watch them lose,” sighs a downcast Dylan Abrams. His shirt reads “GO PATS” in bold red font on a purple background, with “I’m a Vikings fan and I love when pigs burrow into my butthole in search of truffles” in smaller, gold, Comic Sans typeface. “To be honest, I’ve been searching for a reason to root for the Patriots for a while. The owner, the coach, the quarterback, they have the right values. They do what it takes. Their skill position guys are the only ones in the league who pass the smell test, Prince would like them. So when my buddy Dave posted on Facebook that an Eagles fan painted a black circle in the parking lot, which Dave fell into like a bottomless pit and is still falling down two weeks later, I knew I had to seize the moment.”
Abrams isn’t alone. It seems the vast majority of the city jumped on the Patriots bandwagon based on reports of abuse by the uncivilized Philadelphia hoard. Multiple sources cited “my good buddy PATRIOT NEWS INFO DOT TROOPS DOT INFO,” a Facebook page consisting almost entirely of Taylor Swift videos and stories about how Ben Shapiro is actually 6'7", as a friend or family member who endured obviously fake cartoonish violence before and after the NFC Championship game.
They’ve collectively responded in kind. Erikson, still under the impression that his words and identity wouldn’t be printed, told me that his brother Kevin was operating “an H.H. Holmes-style murder hotel” and working in conjunction with legion new Uber drivers to torture and kill visiting Eagles fans. Van Hedwig, for his part, took to smearing “MAGA,” which he tells me stands for “Mall of America Gopatriots America,” on the windshield of any car with a Pennsylvania license plate. As the final whistle blows on an Eagles Super Bowl victory, he patrolled a random parking lot in body armor that he tells me got got from “the Army” even though I watched him buy the hockey pads from a gas station 45 minutes earlier. He wore Google Glass goggles like a nerd, watching a looping video of George W. Bush throwing out the first in in the 2001 World Series as he lurked. “My Patriots may have lost this round, but at least I don’t live in Philadelphia.”
