The Song of the Summer is… Asking Your Doctor for Xanax
by Coderan
My friends always come to me and say “Cody what is the song of the summer?” It’s pretty weird honestly, they just walk right up and ask me without any context or small talk leading up to the question. But as someone with impeccable music taste, my friends rely on my abilities to take a cruel summer and turn it into a summer of 69 (nice). This year I didn’t want to phone it in (last year’s suggestion of Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon synced with Kim K’s sex tape did not go over well).
I searched far and wide, only considering the grooviest of tunes. After questioning everything I know about music, and to a lesser extent auto-erotic asphyxiation, I came across the only thing that could move me from June to August without another incident like the one my family dubbed “Cody’s pool party inferno,” which I think is pretty self-explanatory and doesn’t require further examination.
This year’s song of the summer is…
Asking your doctor for Xanax*.
I know what you are thinking, “hey man… how do I get down to this tasty lick?” Well trust me when I say that your doctor will become your favorite artist and Xanax your favorite song. It is the chorus and the bridge that you secretly like more than the chorus because it speaks to you on a deeper level even though the song is about selling cocaine and you think Coca-Cola is too spicy.
It’s the perfect beat for those sizzling summer days. To clarify I mean your skin and your soul will sizzle. Your brain will not sizzle on the Xanax. Additionally, you may experience some erectile dysfunction. It’s Xan and tan all day baby!
This year feels different from all the others that I have picked. I used to worry about being The Man. I used to worry about snagging that tune that gets people hot and bothered. Now I just watch anime and cruise Reddit. The world has never sounded better.
Frankly, I am living my best life. Everything just feels great all the time now. Except of course when I get a brain freeze from a Slurpee and can feel again. That hurts my brain just like Rebecca did when she told me she was leaving. I can only numb that so much. I know I could have changed if she had just given me another chance. We were meant to be together forever… woah look at the time it’s Xan o’clock! Doctor doctor, gimme the news, I got a bad case of anxious blues! BAM!
Oh yeah. That’s better
*Other finalists: Carly Rae Jepsen doing a Q&A with white male fanboys and what Childish Gambino’s Redbone would sound like if you were drowning in a car.
You can follow Cody on Twitter Coderan and also follow his comedy/mental health podcast at NeuroticaThePod, which you can also subscribe to on iTunes here.
