Since We’re Expecting Latina Women To Debate Any Random White Guy Who Challenges Them For Some Reason, I Challenge Aubrey Plaza To Give Me One Good Reason I Shouldn’t Be Her Husband
by Boobie
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is getting more press than your average congressional candidate these days. The unlikely winner of a July primary against Joe Crawley, her district’s incumbent who had the backing of the Democratic establishment, thrust her into the national spotlight, making her the face of the young left that is fed up with the DNC’s staid, uninspiring centrism and the charisma vacuums that represent it. As a left-of-center-right candidate with populist ideals, the media campaign to discredit her started immediately, which has lead quickly to the most annoying part of any news cycle: the part where people start paying attention to Ben Shapiro again.
Shapiro, famous for being a big time Logic Guy and less famous for being a racist homophobe and transphobe, offered Ocasio-Cortez $10,000 to publicly debate him; for some reason, her very reasonable position of “No, weirdo” has drawn a ton of criticism. Shapiro, along with Jordan Peterson, has a large following of young white men who need someone to construct an argument for them that allows them to be hateful closed-minded while sounding reasonably smart; Ocasio-Cortez has much more to lose by debating him than she does to gain, given that he’s just a random podcast host and not running for office or influential with regards to the wider culture’s feelings towards policy.
However, given the amount of flack Ocasio-Cortez has taken for refusing to debate Shapiro with a very erudite and evocative simile, I guess we’re just expecting Latina women to accept any public debate demand a white man makes of them now. With that in mind, I challenge Aubrey Plaza to debate me on the subject of my fitness to be her husband.
First of all, I work in Delaware, where she grew up. This wouldn’t be particularly convenient for her career as a working actress in Los Angeles, but it does have a couple of advantages. For one, it’s always a low-key good PR move for a celebrity to have a relationship with a nobody, which I am, because it paints them as being very down-to-earth and “real” in a way it’s tough for a celebrity to look. Also, as I’m open to a long-distance relationship, it would mean that she doesn’t have to actually spend much time around me, if any, and my girlfriend can confirm that it’s best to spend as little time around me as possible.
Regarding the issue of both of us currently being in committed relationships, it’s a non-issue on my end, as I have explicit permission from my girlfriend to leave her for Aubrey Plaza:
I honestly think that in the interest of fairness, Aubrey Plaza’s boyfriend should give her similar permission to leave him for me. If he would do risk losing her in this way, though, does he really love her? Is she really that important to him? If he doesn’t do it, then why doesn’t he trust her? That’s just chivalry, and if he doesn’t grant that permission, then it’s actually a point in my favor. Catch-22ed via simple brain logic, my good bitch (this is directed at Aubrey Plaza’s boyfriend, not Aubrey Plaza, who I would never call a bitch, unless asked to). Good luck.
A sneak peak at the other advantages of me being Aubrey Plaza’s husband (more will be available at the debate itself, because I definitely 100% have more): I have, at various times in my life, been above-average in terms of attractiveness, with a potential upswing coming in this area depending on how mainstream the preference for thicc men goes; I was ahead of the curve on snapback hats and then on printed short sleeve button down shirts, which makes me a potential tastemaker after the boost in visibility provided by marrying a celebrity; and I recently broke 1,000 followers on Twitter, an impressive achievement for someone with mostly meh tweets which shows the power of my persistence and that I never give up on my goals.
As far as compensation for this debate, which remember Aubrey Plaza MUST deign to participate in or face harsh backlash and questions of her intelligence by the media (which will assume she is avoiding me because I should in fact be her husband): Ben Shapiro offered Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez $10,000, which is 0.14% of his net worth according to the first source that came up on Google. As I am deeply in debt due to student loans (she shouldn’t use this as a point against marrying me because the fact that I’m bringing it up here clearly means that I have a brilliant rebuttal, or does it? Gamesmanship), giving Aubrey Plaza 0.14% of my net worth would actually mean that she is giving me a couple dollars; while I’d accept this, I’ll be far more relatively generous than Shaprio and offer $10 plus whatever change I have in my car and a couple McDonald’s coupons for sandwiches I don’t like.
In true white man fashion, I don’t like the fact that petulantly and embarrassingly demanding that every Latina woman debates me in exchange for a paltry sum of money is a reasonable path to getting them to do so, but I intend to take full advantage of it. Miss Plaza, I respectfully and expectantly await your surrender to logic and reason.
