Class Is Boring

Sep 15, 2021

3 min read

Nicki Minaj Won’t See Your Post About Her Cousin’s Friend’s Giant Empty Balls But Your Friends With Giant Empty Balls Will

Every morning I wake up, stretch, make my way out of bed, and click-click my way a couple steps to the bathroom. I brush my teeth for two minutes, gargle some mouthwash, throw some cold water in my face to give myself a jolt, then click-click my way back to the bedroom. Then I reach into my underwear drawer and grab a hair tie, which I slip onto my two enormous nuts to keep them close together, so I don’t spend the rest of the day click-clacking anymore, drawing unwanted attention to myself. When I get home from work, I remove the rubbers band and throw it in the trash — I’m probably one of the only cisgender men who can relate to how women feel when they get home from work and take their bra off. I’m free.

It’s not so bad, most days. It’s gotten to be such a routine that I hardly think about it, anymore than I think about wearing shoes or underwear. But having two testicles each the size of a baseball that are completely empty and that make a walk down the street sound like the beat of Do You Know by Enrique Iglesias (performing this a cappella at karaoke nights was my claim to fame in college) is an admittedly unusual. Luckily for me, it’s fairly easy to hide, and it’s a condition that’s so under-the-radar socially that it’s rarely made me the victim of cruel bullying or the stray-bullet catcher as the butt of jokes . Or at least, that was the case until this week.

That all changed on Monday, when Nicki Minaj tweeted the below to her 22 million-plus followers:

While some were outraged over a highly influential artist with a notoriously unhinged fanbase spreading dangerous misinformation during an unprecedented global pandemic, many others suddenly found nothing funnier than a guy with newly huge, oversized nards, completely devoid of jizz and/or cum, telling his friend about his very private problem, only to have that friend pass the information on to the superstar rapper Nicki Minaj, who then passed it onto the world.

While a COVID-19 vaccine was certainly not the cause of this, here is a man who, for the first time in his life, is walking around with two refugees from the McDonald’s ball pit in his scrotum, causing a ruckus wherever he goes because he hasn’t adjusted to his new life yet, walking past whispers of “who’s playing table tennis?” as he just tries to make his way discreetly down the street. On top of that all, the love of his life has abandoned him. And to the world, this man is a clown, his swollen, sploogless sack standing in from the traditional red nose. Tragedy, read as farce from New York to Tokyo.

Well know this. Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend is not alone. Whether we deem the size and fullness of our balls to be your business or not, it’s something we live with every day. Because it’s usually not broadcast to the world, this is likely the first time many of us are experiencing our condition as a traumatic or dehumanizing one. It takes some getting used to, and much like a royal who is not in line for the throne, it takes willful self-examination not to define ourselves by our family jewels. God willing, Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend will get there. But just think before you tweet, because Nicki Minaj won’t see your joke about her cousin’s friend’s enormous empty balls, but your friends with enormous empty balls will.