New Sixers City Edition Uniforms Leave Fans Asking: How Big Are The Dicks
by Boobie
In conjunction with a puff piece by de facto ESPN NBA uniform expert Zach Lowe, Nike and the Sixers have officially unveiled the team’s City Edition uniforms for the 2018–19 season. The Rocky-inspired duds, the cause of some consternation among fans upon leaking yesterday due to the fact that last year’s gray Cavs and Pistons City Edition uniforms were two of the league’s worst in years, actually look pretty good in the early promotional material. The different shades of sweatsuit-like heather gray break up what’s a dull color when presented without nuance and add depth in a way that the parquet court pattern on last season’s Celtics’ City Editions failed to do — though it should be noted that that parquet pattern looks fine up close and simply didn’t translate on TV or at a distance, so this uniform’s success or failure will likely come down to whether the heather pattern is more effective in that respect.
Ironically enough, given that the circle of them surrounding the numbers are the only logo on the upper half of the kit, the jerseys are not the star of this year’s uniform. That would be the shorts, which feature “Ballin’ Ben” on the belt buckle, a pretty cool retro-looking 76 near the bottom, and, presumably, a clear outline of each player’s dick extending however far down and to the left or right that particular guy’s dick extends.
This, of course, is one of the most famous features of light gray sweatpants, and was surely a selling point for Nike when it came to convincing the team to go with a sweatsuit-colored uniform. In the social media age, fans’ access to their favorite players is an important part of driving the league’s surging popularity. People like Joel Embiid for his defense and ability to draw fouls, sure, but what makes him stand out are the beefs he perpetuates over Instagram and the relatability of his wanting to have sex with Rihanna. JR Smith’s reputation would be a shadow of itself if he hadn’t asked a girl over Twitter if she was trying to get the pipe, and Ray Allen would be remembered mostly for a Finals-saving three pointer if not for his accidentally sending out a legacy-defining cybersex DM to all his followers. Fans want to know everything about players, including how they fuck and what they’re working with when they do, and these innovative Dick Print Shorts, the Sixers are going to “above average” lengths to answer those questions.
Thus far, the team has been coy about releasing this information, with bottom half-including promotional photos of Markelle Fultz and Ben Simmons not revealing the dicks and more explicitly Rocky-referencing photos of TJ McConnell suspiciously not showing his lower half at all. This strategy likely owes a debt to a film about another gray-clad beast, Jaws, wherein the suspense and tension build higher the longer the shark lurks and kills off-screen.
According to Lowe, the Sixers will first wear these uniforms for a home game on November 9th against the Charlotte Hornets. This gives fans and opponents alike a week and a half to wonder about the dicks, which could give the Sixers an unprecedented psychological edge. Teams can practice with piped-in crowd noise to prepare for a game in Arrowhead Stadium, but practicing with piped-in pipes is likely a bridge too far for most teams.
The Sixers are a forward thinking organization. They were the first team to strike a jersey patch sponsorships deal, the first US team to get invested in eSports, and now, the first team to truly weaponize their players’ dicks. Here’s looking forward to what they could have in store next.
