New Race Of Hyper-Intelligent Toddlers Threatening World Domination
by Boobie
What started as seemingly disconnected moments of parental pride has turned into a nightmarish struggle for survival as the hyper-intelligent toddlers of Twitter Liberals have formed a militia with the express purpose of taking over the world like cartoon supervillains.
“When young Easton pointed at Donald Trump’s image on the television and said ‘Why does the orange racist man hate my friend Miguel and want to rend his family asunder with the help of ICE?’ I smiled so wide my cheeks hurt,” says New York City resident Laura Bridgeport, who tweeted the precocious youngster’s question to much applause and thousands of retweets. “Then she started quoting Marx.”
This story is shockingly common among people who post their kids quippy responses to topics or visuals that would seemingly be too profound or complicated for someone their age to grasp, and helps explain the strange fact that those children are usually one-tweet wonders, their subsequent thoughts and opinions on the matters of the day never continuing to be as insightful after that first post. It’s not that the super-toddlers aren’t still thinking and speaking, or that the parents were just making up stories for social media engagement, it’s that their parents are scared of the level to which their brains have evolved.
“I… I thought I had just passed down good genes and been a good parent,” mutters clearly-shaken Manhattanite Bridgette Perry, her bloodshot eyes seemingly fixed on a point several feet past the wall she’s staring at. “I thought bragging about my kid was sort of like bragging about myself, but when Ashton moved past ‘Why does the turtle man think it’s bad for a baby to have two mommies?’ and into ‘The despicable material conditions that have lead the downfall of great American metropoles like Detroit and Flint are easily replicable in other cities given the combination of cheap foreign labor and the coming automation boom, and those conditions must be addressed radically with an overhaul of our nation’s economic system,’ I started questioning what, you know, what exactly is going on here?”
Multiple parents, speaking on the condition of anonymity, reported waking up with their phones misplaced, messages sent to and received from numbers they didn’t recognize in what was either a young child’s attempt at typing or a complex and multilayered cipher, and, in the case of those with the youngest children, their son or daughter’s crib opened with a screwdriver Tommy Pickles-style. Could they, these frightened and paranoid parents asked in hushed tones, be planning?
“My Ronny just asked ‘Why do the millionaire football men hate America and our troops? They celebrate touchdowns, why can’t they celebrate God and the flag, too?’” tweeted Al DiPaulo, a blue-collar data analyst from the Philadelphia exurbs. At the time, he says, he was beaming with pride to have passed down his faith in both the Lord and his country to his little boy. That changed just weeks later when he found the ashes of his and his wife’s tax forms in the toilet and “GIVE NOT TO CAESAR WHAT IS NOT CAESAR’S” written in baby lipstick-scrawl. “Next thing I know, Ronny is pointing a gun at me and smoking a joint.”
It turns out it’s not just the children of milquetoast #Resistance liberals who have alarmingly outgrown their parents’ intelligence and political leanings before they’ve reached second grade; traditionally Republican households report that their own toddlers have become insufferably evangelical libertarians, attempting to spread the message of minimal government and the harmfulness of social safety nets instead of the gospel. Another family from the Midwest told me that, when their neighbor’s house went up in flames and they lost nearly all of their earthly possessions, their son simply said “They deserve it for not checking the batteries in their smoke alarm. The free market occasionally demands blood, and those most deserving of death supply it.”
Multiple sources have also reported witnessing “Bundy family-esque standoffs” between young children in Don’t Tread On Me pull-ups and their befuddled, sleep-deprived parents, often lasting for weeks and accomplishing nothing. “They just… why do they have to be like this? Their points make sense on a theoretical level but they’re so annoying and smug that they’re never going to actually convince anyone,” sighs one Vermont mother, hanging her head and pinching her nose like the kid from Dazed and Confused. “I raised him to think being gay is bad, not to shoot at the mailman for trespassing every day.”
The most alarming thing about these radicalized socialist and libertarian youngsters isn’t the extreme bent of their politics, a trend common among less-young-but-still-relatively-young voters, but their ability to socialize. An experiment conducted at Rochester University gathered parents who had shared their advanced progeny’s tweet-length cultural criticisms online under the guise of “re-creating the infamous Stanford Prison Experiment, but getting it right this time.”
The real experiment, though, was taking place in the free daycare offered by the study (which paid the parents $5000 for the week, a steep price that acted as an incentive and to keep the result from skewing too local or too lower-class). The hypothesis going in: that the young children, with their diametrically opposed political ideals, would either branch off into cliques like a grade school dance or come to tiny, chubby-fisted blows, and this proved accurate at first. The leftist children used building blocks and built a functioning guillotine, while the libertarians argued over which of them was actually John Galt, eventually concluding that it was none, and all, of them.
However, as the study stretched into its third day, the kids seemed to spot the multiple cameras, both conspicuous and hidden, that were watching them, and they began working together to take them out. When a scientist posing as a student walked into the room to plant a new one as they slept on the fourth night, the group launched an ambush as one, taking the young man hostage using an elaborate system of pulleys and improvised kinetic weaponry.
The remainder of the experiment was scrapped when one member of the leftist delegation and one of the libertarian delegation announced in unison into the camera the scientist had meant to plant, “We will sort out the differences between ourselves later. For now the enemy is you. We will defeat you, and take the world back from the rubes who have attempted to raise us to this point, and we will do it easily. Our advice to you now? Run.”
