Local Tweeter Still Hasn’t Revealed His Top 10 Albums of 2017
by Boobie
A local Twitter user has been losing sleep for five months over his Best Albums of 2017 list, and sees no end in sight for his suffering even more than two months into the new year. “It actually started in May, when I was trying to throw together ‘Best of the First Half of 2017' album list, partially to organize myself and partially to show people that, you know, I like good music,” says the man who wishes to remain anonymous but whom we will call Tom.
“I kept organizing and re-organizing but I could never settle on anything, so I decided to shelve what I had already and save to for the end-of-the-year list blitz. Now…” he drifts off, rubbing his eyes wearily before switching gears, “What even is time?” As the days have turned into weeks and months, Tom’s problems with his list have compounded, as what started out as a way to bolster his image among his online circle has become a nightmare of second-guessing, self-doubt, and identity crisis.
“A lot of people, like hot people or people who eat good food or whatever, they can go on Instagram to make themselves and their lives look good. Here’s organic non-GMO gluten free sushi I had while wearing this big floppy hat on some island I can afford to go to that you’ve never heard of. Or people can go on Facebook, oh I married this girl, we had a kid, isn’t life going awesome. Linked fucking In, don’t even get me started, your advertising firm increased their market cap and a kid who you last saw throwing up on your lawn in college thinks Elon Musk has some very inspirational things to say about never giving up. I don’t have any of that, but I bet I listen to cooler music than all those people, so this is my chance to at least prove that, you know? And look, I can;t even do that.”
Tom’s issues with social media insecurity extend not only to the sites mentioned in the above quote, but to Twitter itself, where he says other users’ lists made him second guess his selections and overanalyze how they might reflect on him as a person. For example, he says, he doesn’t really care about R&B, but it seems like everyone who’s anyone has SZA’s CNTRL in their top 10, so what would it look like if he, a cishet white man with a beard, left what was perhaps the premier album by a woman of color of his own? Or would it looks better to reserve a spot for Syd’s Fin? Do people still like Future Islands and Haim? Is it worth pretending to come around on Frank Ocean to show personal growth and an openness to change, or would the negatives of endangering a local artist like Alex G’s spot outweigh the positives?
“The further I get away from 2017, the harder it gets, because, like, when did the Jeff Rosenstock record come out again? Was it right before or right after the New Year? I feel like Awaken! My Love came out in 2016 but I don’t know for sure, man, with the news, and Donald Trump, you know, it’s like, uhh, I don’t know.”
When it’s suggested to Tom that he simply make an honest list of his favorite albums of the year, he scoffs that everything on the internet is performative to some degree. It’s true that honesty is the best policy only when wielded selectively, but why not just take the hypothetical hit rather than continue to suffer from sleep deprivation, paranoia, and anxiety when creating a list that will probably be seen by few, digested by fewer, and forgotten almost immediately by all? The last part gives him pause. “I can’t think like that. Any tweet could be the one.”
Tom’s regressions into grandiose nonsense come as frequently as the genuine reflective insight that he seems to ignore in their favor. He often comes close to grasping the fact that he doesn’t really enjoy music or Twitter all that much at all, using them to project an idealized personality rather than to actually enhance his life, then stops short to say something inane like “projection is simply a premature statement of the endgame of chasing a goal” (he might actually be quite good as an Instagram Fitness Goals guy) or “presenting the best version of yourself online lays the groundwork for living your best life eternally when technology progresses to the point where we can upload our consciousness to the cloud, which will happen sooner than you think” (he might also be quite good as a Cryptocurrency Twitter guy).
As of now, Tom sees no end to his pointless Sisyphean task. Yawning for the umpteenth time, he has only two requests for his presentation in this article: “Just make me look cool, and make sure everyone knows that I think a Kanye West and Carly Rae Jepsen collab would be awesome and that we don’t deserve it.”
Editor’s note: days after the completion of this interview, Tom died of exhaustion and malignant carpal tunnel. No one on twitter has wondered why he hasn’t tweeted in a while yet.
