Listen Kid, I’m Not Leaving This Backyard Until You Admit You Know What A Computer Is
by Boobie
Stop looking at your iPad for a minute and look at me. Look at me. I asked you a very simple question you mouthy little shit. All you had to do was answer like a normal person and we wouldn’t be in this situation. “Art stuff,” “Playing Animal Crossing,” “SnapChatting my friend,” fuckin’, “Brixton,” or whatever just lie to me, I don’t actually care what a 12 year old is doing on their iPad, anything like that and we wouldn’t have an issue, but no, you had to say “What’s a computer.”
Look at this backyard. Look at your house. I’ve lived in this neighborhood since before your mom and dad moved in, I play the same property taxes as them, I know you go to Sioux River Middle School, and I know Sioux River Middle has a computer lab. Do you think you’re in a Wes Anderson movie? Do you think you’re Zooey Deschanel? You’re not. Don’t ask me who Wes Anderson is, I swear to God. Stop doing tarot and astrology readings on Tumblr for five seconds and just tell me you know what a computer is and I’ll leave you alone.
I don’t mean to lecture you. I like your mom and dad, I think they’re good parents, but clearly something has gone wrong here, and if they won’t take it into their own hands then I’m taking it into mine for the good of the neighborhood. Your dad has a laptop, so even if you had somehow avoided the room in your house that had a desktop computer in it until last year, you’re absolutely aware of the concept of a computer. I know you’re not a weird “no TV” household either, so even if you thought that laptop was just some kind of weird heavy slate-gray folder, you’ve seen cartoons or TV shows with computers… I see you moving to open your mouth, don’t ask me “What’s a TV?” or I will absolutely slap you. Barb from Stranger Things-lookin’ ass.
Look, it’s starting to get dark, and a crowd is gathering, and I feel like this all might be a waste of time, but I am absolutely not leaving this back yard until you look me in the eyes and tell me that you know what a computer is. It’s really that simple. I don’t want to make a big thing out of this, but I’m literally prepared to go on a hunger strike if you don’t admit, in front of me and God, that you’re aware of the concept of a computer. You weren’t dropped onto this earth yesterday afternoon, fully formed and with a taste for doing quirky stuff on the go, you’re not Athena any more than your dad is Zeus. Oh, you get that reference. You expect me to believe you’re familiar with the specifics of Greek mythological figures’ origins but not a computer? Fuck you.
Officer, hello, thanks for coming but I don’t think a kid being a smartass is arrest-worthy, necessarily, she just needs to adjust the way she thinks she can talk, I think me telling her that this is no way to act is probably better for her in the long run than any sort of juvenile detention. Why are you drawing your… what are you doing? No, I’m not foaming at the mouth, what the hell are you talking about? Stay the hell away from me or I will sue that stupid badge right off your shirt. Bethany, did you call the cops and tell them I’m “stark raving mad and threatening children again?” Have you met this girl? How could you not threaten her? Mind your fucking business Bethany, it’s not my fault John is cheating on you with Jen. Little girl, do you see what you’re doing to this community? You’re tearing it apart. Officer, please get away from me with that taser, just give me one minute and I think we’ll be done here, girl, just say you know what a computer is, I know you do, everyone here knows you do, just say the words, just say you know what a compu-UGHGUGHUGHGUGH.
