Let’s Make Even More Branches of the Military

by Boobie

President Trump’s Thursday announcement that he would be proposing a sixth branch of the United States military, the Space Force, was met with derision on the left, with questions ranging from “why do military budgets for hundreds of billions of dollars get approved without question while things like universal health care are dismissed out of hand as unrealistically costly?” to “this is so god damn stupid I don’t even have a question, I’m just marveling at how god damn stupid it is.” However, with changing technology comes changing threats, and it’s high time for the military to be expanded with dedicated branches meant to deal with those updated threats, along with some other long-ignored ones.

The Space Force will, of course, deal with threats to the cosmos both by existing nations from Earth (China, Russia, Elon Musk fans from Reddit) and from extra terrestrials who, given human nature, will surely come coveting resources rather than peaceful friendship. With the option of expanding the scope of America’s military on the table, there are a couple other new branches that should be established soon afterwards.

The Ultra Navy

Space and the ocean are strongly linked in popular consciousness. Exploring both involves putting highly-trained professionals in tiny, uncomfortable wonders of engineering and sending them into the dark unknown. If space is going to be an issue militarily that the Air Force is unequipped to handle, than surely the deep ocean, of which the vast majority is unexplored, is as well. It’s as likely that our Earthen foes will be trying to exploit this blind spot as they are space, and the legends of undersea societies like the Atlantans and the Merpeople surely must be based in fact just as much as UFOs and aliens — and they have a far shorter distance to travel to kill us all than aliens do.

The Ultra Navy would focus not just on exploring the ocean’s depths with guns and neutralizing these threats, but also on colonizing the territory of Atlantis and her allies. If rising oceans and melting polar ice caps are a threat to us on land, then there’s no better place for those deemed worthy by way of having money to move than under the sea that will be overtaking what’s left of the Earth soon. The Ultra Navy has a chance to move American Imperialism forward in a way that nothing has in centuries.

The Drill Sergeants

With the deep sea secured and her hostile inhabitants neutralized to death, the deep ground would be a logical place to turn. America already starts wars on land under false pretenses to give them control of other nations’ oil reserves; drilling underground and getting straight to the source would save politicians and their shills in the media a lot of sleepless nights figuring out how to justify those ground wars. Instead, that energy can be spent spinning the Drill Sergeants oil-stealing as an Ocean’s 11-style heist.

With a nation full of people who will look for any excuse to love and root for America, a good old fashioned robbery could easily turn the country from villain to anti-hero, and if the last two decades of TV have proven anything, it’s that people love an anti-hero. They could also use the drilling technology they develop to help fight the ever-present threat of prison escapes via underground tunnels dug with contraband spoons, which would be the first instance of the military keeping American citizens safe on American soil since at least World War II.

The Cloud Boys

The main issue with clouds is that we can’t see what’s going on within them. Scientists tell us that they are made up of condensed moisture, but scientists tell us a lot of things. With the Space Force established and the Air Force focused on building trillion dollar jets that will n ever actually work, the clouds themselves are being ignored as possible hiding places for enemies. The Cloud Boys would go up into the sky in reinforced hot air balloons, then skydive through clouds to ensure that nothing sinister is hiding there.

They could also dive through clouds in enemy territory and poison the clouds so that the rain that eventually falls from them make enemy combatants ill, though the public wouldn’t find out about this sort of thing for several decades since it seems extremely like a war crime. Please don’t screenshot this just in case the Cloud Boys actually becomes a thing, I don’t want to get charged with treason, that would be a huge hassle.

Time Corps

With every one of the three dimensions protected on levels between the existing branches of the military and the new ones proposed above, it’s time (haha) to shift focus to the fourth. Enemies of the United States who can’t possibly hope to win a war against us with our current military have only a couple options: they can come back in time from the future when their technology is so advanced that it would easily wipe us off the map, allowing them to gain control of the world from now forward, or they can use the technology they have now and go back into the past (just after the Civil War, when America was crippled by a generation lost fighting one another) and do the same then, altering the present.

Neither of these things can be allowed to happen. The Time Corps would position themselves at places around the world with unusual magnetic activity, since that seems like a force that might have something to do with time (see: Interstellar), and intercept attempts to time travel by shooting into any perceived rifts. Paradoxes would make this work since any attempt to travel back in time would have to be happening at all times if it happens at all, I think.

National Anthem Death Squad

With land, the oceans, space, underground, and time all protected, a small force would be available to deal with threats to the United States from within the United States. The National Anthem Death Squad would be tasked with making sure that everyone always stands for the National Anthem. They would start with assassinating the football men who don’t stand during the national anthem, of course — Colin Kaepernick and Eric Reid can’t file collusion lawsuits against the NFL if they’re dead — but would eventually branch out to weeding out other, lower-level dissenters. A guerilla force might play the national anthem before a movie and take out anyone who doesn’t rise to their feet immediately. They could do the same at any place of employment or public square.

The last line of defense against people disrespecting the military is a branch of the military who is allowed to kill people who disrespect the military. I’d like to see aliens take on a country made up of only patriots who love the national anthem. They probably wouldn’t even bother challenging the Space Force of such a nation.