Instagram Humor Accounts Avoid Mass Suicide As Twitter Outage Ends Before Reaching One Hour Mark
by Boobie
A group chat made up of Instagram humor accounts began coordinating a “Heaven’s Gate-style mass suicide” as rival social media platform Twitter’s servers went down for nearly Thursday, Class Is Boring has learned. If all members of the group had followed through on the plan, this would easily surpass the Peoples Temple cult of Jonestown for the largest mass suicide in recorded history, as thousands of accounts would have drank the proverbial and literal Kool Aid.
The impetus was not anything religious or supernatural, but rather a fear of loss of livelihood. The Instagram humorist’s key value is not any sort of creativity or comedic talent; rather, it is to aggregate other people’s funny content in one place, often without credit, sometimes crediting another, unrelated Instagram humor account in a never-ending cycle of easy like and exposure farming. However, without Twitter, these accounts would not have anything to post, as everything each account posts is simply taken from Twitter 24 hours later.
Members of the group agreed bid life on earth goodbye en masse had the outage reached the hour mark with no signs of return, as the gravy train ending would leave many if not all without any sourcce of income or validation. As the hour drew near, the accounts grew alternately frantic and reflective.
“It’s gonna come back it’s gonna come back it’s gonna come back,” said FuckJerry, who had come through scandal relatively unscathed earlier this year when Hulu’s Fyre Fraud, one of two documentaries about the infamous Fyre Fest released within a week, revealed the degree of the account’s complicity in the disastrous festival’s promotion. The account would likely not survive it’s source of content being cut off.
“I can’t let people see what I’m actually like. I suck. I’m not actually good at anything,” lamented thefunnyintrovert, an account that has nothing to do with introversion except as a branding appeal to people who consider themselves introverts because they read an article their friend shared on Facebook in 2010 about how introverts are smarter than extroverts.
“The thought that I’ve never had an original thought in my life is the first original thought I’ve had in my life,” said girlwithnojob. Every other account in the chat then screenshotted this message and sent the screenshot to the group, and liked the identical screenshot everyone else sent.
Unfortunately, before the moment of truth, Twitter’s servers came back online. Relieved messaged briefly flooded the group before it fell dormant again, as it has been for years before, given that none of the group members actually have anything of their own to say or talk about.
Instagram users are now preparing for an hour long content drought around 3 PM EDT tomorrow as for that hour their favorite humor accounts will have no source material to aggregate. This time will likely be filled with hour long conversations about Instagram being down, just as Twitter’s outage was; the existence of this sort of passive content is essentially for both platforms’ survival through outages.
