I Am Going To Start Rotten Tomatoes For News Sources and Call It Pravda, PLEASE HURRY

by Boobie

OK guys I’m gonna make this relatively quick because I’m under a little bit of a time crunch. My new business idea that I just came up with is Rotten Tomatoes for news sources. If you agree that an article that you read is true then you can rate it on a scale of 0–100, with anything over 70 being a “fresh” rating and anything under that being a “rotten” rating (fresh tomatoes are good, rotten tomatoes are bad, if you disagree that that you will be able to rate this article below a 70). The percentage of “fresh” reviews will determine the source’s score.

There will be separate sections for articles, writers, and publications, with each of the former two informing the latter in addition to direct ratings of the latter. Guys I really need to get this up and running like RIGHT NOW so please spread the word.

Look, I’ve been on the internet before. I’ve seen Twitter polls from conservative guys in Donald Trump’s mentions get hijacked by liberals to make them look stupid. I’ve seen crowd-sourced movie ratings get tanked because one section of the population disagrees with either the message of the film or something the director or cast of the movie has said. In short, I know this idea is absolutely dumb as shit. This is one of the dumbest ideas imaginable. Just so incredibly stupid. HOWEVER, it’s also an ingenious idea, because Elon Musk just had it first and if I can get out in front of this I can maybe force a buyout or something.

Guys, I’m gonna be honest, my plan to get Grimes to break up with Elon Musk so that I can date him instead isn’t working. Grimes is online telling people about how happy all his factory workers area and how safe the conditions are. She’s in this for the long haul. My next-best shot to get out of the rat race is to take advantage of Elon’s pathological need to be the guy in charge of everything, and while “mass underground transit” and “going to space” have already been done, “Rotten Tomatoes but for news” hasn’t.

I’l tell you what, I’ll sell stock. I’ll fucking give away stock. Everyone who retweets this article get’s an equal share of 75% of what Elon gives me. He has a lot of money, he’s in a really weird defensive phase, this can work. We need to hurry. Guys, please.

Ok I’m writing this part after I actually published the thing to begin with. I’m starting to think it can actually work. Not Pravda, of course, which is incredibly dumb and will actually be pretty funny to watch fail miserably, but fleecing Elon Musk. He’s already getting some good feedback from the libertarians who want him to effectively be the authoritarian ruler of the Earth as long as he pretends not to technically be the government, as he does with literally every idea he has. He’s Beyoncé for online upper-middle class white guys. So between the confidence that comes with that kind of unwavering worshipful support and the fact that his vision of the implementation of this idea would give him control over another important thing, he’s definitely going to pursue this.

What we really have to hope is that he’s locked into the name. This could be an issue if he links up with fellow conservative business genius Kanye West, since Kanye announced and then changed the name of his last album like four times. I feel like Elon probably picked this name in part to somehow impress Grimes though, so we might be good on that front as well. In this way the tragedy of Grimes dating a clear technocratic supervillain could actually work to our advantage.

OK, if anyone knows how to buy a domain name please let me know. I need this. We all need this.