Grimes Should Break Up With Elon Musk So That I Can Date Him Instead
by Boobie
The biggest news out of the annual Met Gala, held this year on May 7th, was that Rihanna can wear absolutely anything and look insanely, unfairly good. This has become a tradition as reliable as people on Twitter getting mad that celebrities aren’t sticking to the theme, and is mostly noteworthy in the way that Kobe Bryant stans still insisting that Kobe is better than LeBron James is noteworthy: its simply an insane background fact of life except for the rare moments when it jumps out and reminds you in a flash that it shouldn’t be possible.
The most surprising news, though, is that the beloved experimental pop artist Grimes is apparently dating Elon Musk. This was something of a small-scale version of Kanye West’s recent pivot to the alt-right: Grimes’ most famous song is “Oblivion,” a song about fear of masculine worlds and relationships in a world where sexual assault is all too prevalent and normalized, released half a decade before the #MeToo movement started in earnest with the outing of Bill Cosby as a serial rapist. That movement has been mostly associated with the political left, as the right continued to support people like Roy Moore and Donald Trump, and dating a tech billionaire like Musk is anathema to the left. On top of that, it just seems like a strange match based on their public personae.
Musk, who made his initial fortune through PayPal and has made his name through Tesla’s shoddily made electric cars and by promising rich people that they can go to space (recently demonstrated when one of those shitty electric cars was sent into space), is, depending on who you listen to, the benevolent savior of the world for whom a tidy profit is an ancillary but well-deserved benefit of progress, or just one of a group of billionaires for whom a better world would be an ancillary benefit of money-and-power-grabbing ripoffs. As someone who skews toward the latter view, I would advise Grimes to DUMP! HIM! SWEETIE! (so that I can date him instead).
I would like greener energy. I would like for travel to be an option for more people than just the wealthy, and colonizing other (uninhabited) planets is a natural extension of that. You know what I would like more, though? To laugh all the way to the bank via the fuckin gravy train, baby. Musk’s current net worth is around $20 billion. I recently broke down how much money $1 million is, so we can use that as a starting point: $20 billion is 20,000 unique $1 million. I would like to benefit from that in ways more direct than “my great great great great grandchildren will still be able to go to Miami with the permission of the all-powerful technocrats of the Musk-Thiel dynasty.”
You can do things with money. I wouldn’t do all of them, of course. I wouldn’t travel to corrupt foreign countries and hunt the most dangerous game, man, for example. I definitely wouldn’t actually go to space, which is actually a nightmare. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t even do the more minor rich person stuff like buy a bunch of cars or have an affair with my best friend’s spouse. But damn it, it would be fantastic to have the option.
You may have a couple of questions. For example, “Boobie, aren’t you in a loving, committed relationship with a woman whom we like way more than we like you?” The answer to that one is yes, I am, but when we first started dating we discussed a contingency plan in which I would die in a motorcycle accident to give her a good sob story if she ever got selected to be on the Bachelor; with some of my new boyfriend Elon’s money and influence, I’m sure I could facilitate that selection, and “my boyfriend left me for Elon Musk” is a way more compelling and unique story than “boo-hoo my boyfwiend died ;(“ could ever be. In that scenario, everyone wins.
Another question might be, “from what I know about you, aren’t you fundamentally against this sort of concentration of wealth when 40% of the country can’t afford food, rent, or healthcare?” The answer to that is, yeah, and? Come on.
The most pressing question, though, is probably, “aren’t both you and Elon Musk straight?” Well, I’m pretty sure I am, but sexuality exists on a spectrum and to be honest I assume that these Silicon Valley vampires only fuck as part of weird secret crypto-society initiation rituals and to procreate eugenics-style, so I don’t know how much of an issue that would actually be. If Elon actually does want to have sex, I’ll have sex, and I’ll do my damndest to make it good. I’ll pop my little bussy like my life depends on it. I’ll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe, and swallow the gravy. As with my morals and fiercely-held beliefs, I’m absolutely willing to sell my sexual preferences all the way the hell out for use of $20 billion, are you kidding me?
So Grimes, let’s do this. Talk me up to Elon for a bit, become a hero of the left by dumping his ass, and let me sweep up the wreckage. We both have a lot to gain from this. I have more to gain than you, but hey, for $20 billion, I don’t really have to pretend I care.
