DNC Asks Female Audience Members To Cover Their Hair At Debate To Keep Joe Biden From Getting Distracted
by Boobie
The Democratic National Committee has asked all women and “long-haired pretty boys” attending Thursday night’s debate to either shave or cover their hair in order to keep former Vice President Joe Biden from getting distracted and floating off stage towards them like a cartoon hobo to a fresh-baked pie in a window.
Biden, the centrist frontrunner to gain the party’s presidential nomination despite left-wing challenges from Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders, enters the debate in the midst of several controversies. The issue most directly related to this dictate from the party establishment is that a number of women have come forward to recount instances of handsiness and inappropriate behvaior from the longtime Delaware senator, including an instance where he “inhaled [Lucy Flores’s] hair” prior to one of the Nevada politician’s campaign events.
At every turn, Biden has dismissed this controversey, making light of the fact that many women seem to feel uncomfortable about the way he treats and touches them; while in the midst of these accusations of inappropriate touching, he’s also semingly made it a habit of telling young girls how attractive they are, behavior that seems to show that the man leading the Democratic field has no interest in learning from criticism, changing his antiquated views with the times, or viewing women as more than semi-sentient objects.
Relatedly, Biden recently drew criticism when comments regarding the good-old days of congressional civility seemed to cast two virulent segregationists, James O. Eastland and Herman E. Talmedge, in a positive light: they may have thought black people were inhenerently inferior to white people, but dang it, you could enjoy a cocktail with them after a long day of politely barely disagreeing. This should come as no surprise to those familiar with Biden’s record of campaigning heavily against bussing for integration, which made him effectively a segregationist if not nominally one, or his friendship with Strom Thurmond that was so strong that Biden gave the euology for a man who once filibustered for over 24 hours in opposition to the Civil Rights Act.
While it would be inappropriate to ask debate moderator Lester Holt or fellow participant Kamala Harris to wear whiteface during the debate to keep Biden from going on a tangent about how busing was the real racism, the DNC has apparently decided that it’s worth courting controversy and asking Harris, Marianne Williamson, debate moderator Savannah Guthrie, and all female and fresh-faced male audience members with shoulder-length hair or longer to either keep their locks under wraps or shave them off, lest Biden rush offstage in a frenzy and attempt to snort it like Tony Montana attacking a pile of cocaine.
“Joe may like to touch women’s thighs and lower backs and cook their hair on spoons to inject it directly into femoral artery like heroin, and sure he wrote a supposedly racist crime bill in the 90s, but he’s the last tie the party has to a president a lot of people liked, before Donald Trump was elected and things suddenly got bad for a lot of people. We have to make sure he has a clear path to the nomination, because he’s the only person alive who can beat Donald Trump in an election,” a source within the DNC told CIB. “It would be a terrible look for the party if the presumptive nominee, in the middle of giving an answer about reaching across the aisle in response to a question about concentration camps, suddenly falls into a fugue state and starts shuffling toward a crystal ball-gazing Marianne Williamson and saying ‘Hair… hair…’ over and over again like a beauty-obsessed zombie. We simply cannot have it. Also, Bernie is sexist and Jewish and anti-Semitic.”
Biden’s campiagn refused CIB’s request for comment.
