Adam From The Bible Is Fucking Cancelled

Listen up you motherbitching shitheads, are you ready to learn about something that’s going to make you as mad as it makes me?

Ugggghhhhh I am ready to shoot fire out of my god damn eye balls right now I’m so fucking pissed off.

So listen y’all, this is about to be a thread. I hope you’re sitting down, and honestly you should probably try to strap yourself to a gurney or your chair because this shit is some fucking SHIT.

I’m about to talk about THE most influential MAN in history, and since I’m talking about a MAN you know it’s gonna be really fucking bad.

So this motherfucker, God, you may have heard of him from the Bible. He’s creating the heavens and the earth. He starts off strong, he’s making light, the ocean, the sun and the moon . God is motherdicking CRUSHING it… right up until… Adam. God damn it! (pun intended).

So God makes Adam. The world’s first Man. Probably should have just made a woman, but that’s just my opinion. So. Adam. This asshole — and he’s an absolute fucking asshole — he starts to get a widdle wonely.

Isn’t that just like a man, he has to go like one day without a woman to do all his emotional labor for him and he starts whining like it’s the end of the world. Fucking pathetic.

So, God makes animals. Adam’s got dogs, which come on. He’s got otters, and you already know those adorable little guys mate for life and hold hands while floating down rivers.

THIS STILL. ISN’T. ENOUGH. FOR. ADAM. Imagine, you have the whole Garden of Eden to yourself, and you can hang out with all the animals you want, it’s like God is permanently giving you TFW your friends cancel plans, and Adam STILL isn’t happy.

So God puts him to sleep, and makes Eve. Now Eve is hot af, she’s sexy, smart, funny, kind, the total package — and she comes into being because God makes her from Adam’s rib. LITERALLY FROM THE SECOND WOMEN EXIST ADAM IS MANSPLAINING EXISTENCE ITSELF TO THEM.

This motherfarting crapstick is unfuckingbelievable.

So Adam hasn’t done literally anything but pout, and he just lucks into this incredible babe like a schlubby idiot in a romantic comedy.

I’m mad about it but we’re moving past it because we’re about to get to the really shitballsing bad part. God had told Adam, you can do anything in this garden — and I mean, the translation is garden, but God just made literally everything on Earth, so this place is actually basically Disneyland on freakin’ crack, and they have the whole place to themselves.

Absolutely AMAZEBALLS, amiright? The catch is, Adam can’t eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Easy enough. Well, Adam, being a selfish shitpooping assface, doesn’t tell Eve this!!!! Dude, you had one job!!!!

Eve’s out just being fucking amazing, making friends with all the animals, casual yes cool, picture a combination of Marilyn Monroe, Aubrey Hepburn, and the fucking Notorious RBG, Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

Y’all, I cannot overtstate how much of a badass Eve is. She’s chilling with the doggos, the ponies, loving life, when this ugly little male serpent scurries up to her (serpents had legs until the end of this story).

Eve rocks, she doesn’t judge, and the serpent says, hey sexy, why don’t you eat some fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil?

Eve’s like, first of all, I know you were just created so you didn’t have a father figure to teach you not to talk to woman like that so I’ll let it slide, second of all, that seems intense, I have a woman’s intuition that I shouldn’t do that, I’m gonna run it by Adam to make sure God didn’t say anything about this.

Sorry y’all but I’m LITERALLY shaking right now. Aren’t you so cockdicking angry right now???? Because even if you don’t know where this is going, you know where this is going.

OK.

Breathe.

So.

Eve goes back to Adam. She asks him, hey A, did God mention anything about eating the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil? Seems like the kind of thing he might have explicitly restricted us from doing, just a hunch.

Adam, he’s such a piece of fucking shit, he says… “Nope! You should do it, Eva.”

THERE’S ONE WOMAN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH AND THIS ASSHATTED TOECOCK CAN’T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO REMEMBER HER NAME. AND he’s gaslighting her into eating from the TOTKOGAE.

Eve, being the sweet baby angel she is, makes a mistake we’ve all made: she trusts a boy. She eats the fruit, and God comes down, and he’s pissed. He says, you ate from the Tree, didn’t you!

And Adam says, EVE DID IT, ALSO SHE’S NAKED. This fuckdookie is aware of nakedness for one second and he immediately slutshames Eve!

God is pissed (not as pissed of as I am right now telling you this story!!! But pretty fucking mad, y’all), he kicks Adam and Eve out of Disneyland, he takes the serpent’s legs away, and oh yeah, HE INVENTS PERIODS.

If you’re a woman and you’ve ever 1. had a period or 2. NOT GOTTEN TO LIVE IN THE GOD DAMN (PUN INTENDED AGAIN BUT WE’RE ALL CAPS BABY) GARDEN OF EDEN, it’s Adam’s fault!

So, to recap, in the course of like the first week of human existence, Adam invented:

  1. slutshaming
  2. mansplaining
  3. period cramps
  4. toxic masculinity
  5. women taking the blame for something that is men’s fault.

OK y’all. I’m exhausted. I’ve literally been screaming at the top of my lungs the whole time writing this thread, but it was worth it, because now you know the truth about the history of Adam, the orginal fucking shitstain on the panties of humanity.

This motherfucker gets so much credit for starting the human race, everyone thinks he’s so cool, but guess what asshole, now everyone knows about the real you. Adam from the Bible, I’ve got two words for you:

YA CANCELED.

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