100% True Facts About Paul Millsap

Last night, the reserves for the 2016–17 NBA All Star game were announced. The East team’s reserves were backcourt-heavy (more specifically, point guard-heavy), with Charlotte’s Kemba Walker, Boston’s Isaiah Thomas, Washington’s John Wall, and Toronto’s Kyle Lowry making the team, along with Cleveland’s Kevin Love, Indiana’s Paul George, and Atlanta’s Paul Millsap rounding out the squad.

You may notice that not included among those names is Philadelphia’s Joel “The Process” Embiid, who The Ringer’s Jonathan Tjarks argued is currently the second-best center in the NBA. Embiid’s exclusion to the benefit of Millsap is just about the least fun outcome possible of the All Star selection process, and it doesn’t look great on paper either:

The argument for Millsap: he doesn’t play on a minutes restriction or sit out back-to-backs, and if All-Star games are going to be used as metrics for Hall of Fame inclusions and contract stipulations, “fun” shouldn’t be more important than merit when making selections. The argument for Embiid: he’s better at basketball and therefor the second part of Millsap’s case applies equally to him, if not more so because he has less service time and is more likely to be impacted contractually by missing the game.

To be honest, I don’t really care about the contract stuff. Most fans and writers take All-NBA selections more seriously than All-Star game selections anyway, since they’re more selective, take the full season into account, and aren’t subject to the whims of casual fans. I care about making the game, which is typically a dud, as fun as possible from play to play. Paul Millsap doesn’t do that, because Paul Millsap doesn’t like fun. Here is a list of other things Paul Millsap doesn’t like.

Paul Millsap doesn’t like any rap music from his team’s city of Atlanta. He thinks that Future is an inarticulate mumbler, Young Thug is a gimmick, and Migos are a bad influence on children whose only good song is Versace. He has actively avoided finding out who Gucci Mane is since he signed with the Hawks. He much preferred the rap scene in Utah.

Paul Millsap’s favorite sexual position is teaching an abstinence-only Sex Ed class. He wears a condom to bed every night in case he has a wet dream; when he wakes up in the morning and sees that he had one, he goes to the gym and practices making the extra pass one-on-zero as penance. It looks absolutely ridiculous and is not helpful in any way.

Paul Millsap has a poster of a parody Twitter account’s “white girl starter kit” with pictures of a Northface jacket, yoga pants, a Starbucks pumpkin spice latte, and Uggs hanging above his bed. It’s the only joke he has ever laughed at, but he’s close personal friends with The Fat Jew and FuckJerry because he respects their hustle.

Paul Millsap’s favorite play of the 2015–16 NBA Finals was when Andrew Bogut set a good, hard screen in Game 2. He thought LeBron’s chase down block of Andre Iguadola was ostentatious. His favorite dunk of the 2015–16 dunk contest was a textbook layup by Michael Rappaport in the celebrity game.

Paul Millsap would prefer if basketball games weren’t played in front of crowds, which he finds loud and distracting. He thinks that the results of each NBA season should only be disclosed to fans via print media after the NBA Finals have concluded. He lobbied for this change to be made in the newly updated CBA, but no other NBAPA members like him so obviously no one took it seriously.

Paul Millsap’s favorite movie is The Hangover 3, because of the plot. Whenever he sees a movie in theaters, he records himself loudly noting plot holes, then demands his money back from the teenager who sold him his ticket.

Paul Millsap goes to art museums to look at the white spaces on the walls in between the paintings, because they do the thankless work that holds the museum together.

Paul Millsap’s favorite weekend activity is reporting people to his homeowner’s association if their grass is 1/8" too long. His second favorite activity is secretly watering his neighbors’ grass so it will grow faster and he can report them to the homeowner’s association for having excessively long grass. Paul Millsap goes to fast good restaurants so he can get kids who put soda into water cups in trouble.

Paul Millsap is one of those people who didn’t know who they were going to vote for in the 2016 presidential election until the day before. He ended up writing in John Kasich.

Most damning of all, Paul Millsap thinks that Paul Millsap should have made the All Star game ahead of Joel Embiid. I know, right? Who could like someone like that?